A Breakup Letter to Comic-Con

SDCC

Dear Comic-Con,

I’m so sorry you have to find this out in a letter, but after everything we’ve been through over the years, I just didn’t have the heart to tell you this to your face. I can’t lead you on any more. I’m sorry, but the truth is – it’s over. I won’t lie to you with some cheesy line like, “it’s me — not you,” because I’m pretty sure it is you.

You’re not the same Comic-Con I fell in love with. You’ve changed, and not for the better. I thought we were going in the same direction. I thought we had the same hopes and dreams, but when I walked in and found the cast of the Big Bang Theory standing there, I really had to question where this relationship was going. I fully support you meeting new people, but lately you’ve been messing around with anything that breaths. Seriously, who do you think you are? Strutting around, bragging about your “big panel” with Veronica Mars. Quite frankly, it’s all extremely disrespectful and insulting.

I understand you’ve had some horrible relationships in the past. I know you’ve been criticized, put down, beat up and called names, but it wasn’t like that with us. I loved you for who you were, not what I could get out of you. I miss those intimate parties we had, where we could hangout and share what we love. God, I feel like such an idiot. I can’t believe I wore those outfits for you. You didn’t deserve it.

You’ve become so controlling and jealous. Stand in line here. Don’t move. Stay away from that door. Don’t take that picture. Don’t touch that sword. It’s ridiculous, and I’m not going to take it any more. It’s time for me to stand up for myself and draw a clear boundary with you. So this is it. I’m drawing the line in the sand now. We have to go our separate ways. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it has to be.

I hope we can stay friends, and you find someone who loves you for the real you. To that end, I’ve created a list of who you “can” and “cannot” date after me:

1. Stan Lee – Yes.

2. Warren Ellis – Yes.

3. Gerry Conway – Yes.

4. Joss Whedon – Okay, fine.

5. J.J. Abrams – You can make out with him, but I heard he’s not a very good kisser and he has a lot to make up for.

6. Guillermo Del Toro – We need to talk about this.

7. Dexter – He’s not right for you.

8. Legos – No.

9. Angry Birds – No.

10. Twilight – That’s a joke, right?

So that’s it. This is goodbye, Comic-Con. Take care of yourself, and if you ever want to go back to your roots, you know where to find me. Until then, I’ll be screwing around with Meltdown Comics. He gets me.

Yours Sincerely,

Stephany

6 thoughts on “A Breakup Letter to Comic-Con

  1. Loved this. And though I’m one of the biggest Joss Whedon fan boys on the planet, I even loved, “4. Joss Whedon – Okay, fine.” But to be completely fair to Joss, he is a comic writer. Don’t forget FRAY and ASTONISHING X-MEN. He also edits and writes selected arcs on BUFFY seasons 8 & 9 and ANGEL & FAITH seasons 5-9. He absolutely belongs at Comic-Con.

    I’m done splitting a hair that was obviously plucked for comedic effect. Fantastic read, and like Homer Simpson says, “It’s funny ’cause it’s true.”

      • Yeah, I could tell the joke was coming from a place of love. I also forgot to mention the FIREFLY/ SERENITY comics he’s written.

        I am curious what you meant about Guillermo del Toro though. The HELLBOY flicks should earn him some traction, right? But only if he’s there doing press for a comic adaptation. As far as I know, he’s never written for the funny papers. Feel free to ignore this question as nothing demystifies a joke like explaining it.

  2. Goddess help me – I miss Meltdown and Secret Headquarters. Seems like its time to start an alternative to Comic Con. I hear that the SXSW folks are doing the same thing with Yes X Yes Yes. If anyone could pull it off in the right spirit with the right vibe, it would be you.

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